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Despite the cold of the night, the window on the driver's side was rolled down while the redhead smoked, mixing the smoke with the condensation of his breath. He rubbed his bloodshot eyes. "I'm sorry."
"I don't get why I keep coming if it's useless," whispered the boy next to him. His gaze was lost in the empty street, devoid of the last Christmas decorations that still covered downtown at this time of year.
"Because you love me?" It was a middle point between a joke and a tentative sincerity.
"Not the way you think," he replied without turning, without acknowledging the phrasing. "At this point... I really just pity you."
He stared at him for a couple seconds. "Same thing."
"Not usually."
"It is for us."
The boy closed his eyes and leaned his head on the glass of the window instead of answering.
"Are you tired?" asked the redhead almost innocently.
"What do you think? It's not like it ever occurs to you I have a job and classes and problems that aren't you."
"... I thought you didn't want to talk about your personal life."
He let out a snort at that. "At this point I'm not really expecting you to respect the limits I set."
He nodded to himself and ruminated that over a moment in silence. "I'm also tired of my own bullshit. I know I'm asking too much from you..." His voice came out small, shy. "I don't want to keep causing you trouble but I—" he choked up for a second, "Sorry, I'm sorry. I don't know what to do when I'm alone."
The boy ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "We won't get anywhere like this."
"You can say it if you want Yanny, I deserve it," he encouraged. "It's the least I can give you in exchange. You can say I'm a useless, miserable shit. I know it's not nice having to spend time with... with someone like me. That's why everyone ends up leaving, right?" He smiled sadly. "And I know you'd rather I wasn't here... It would probably be better for everyone, hones—"
"Stop that. Stop trying to use me to hurt yourself."
"Sorry, I thought that's what you wanted to hear."
"You still don't get what I mean." He shook his head and after another pause, finally looked the redhead in the eyes, his tone softer. "You know I don't hate you, right?"
For a couple seconds the redhead seemed genuinely caught off guard, but he immediately looked away, ashamed. "Too bad, must be pretty inconvenient."
"Eveljust," he whispered.
"Please Yanny, I just need some guidance." He put his hand on the boy's knee. "I messed up and I admit it, alright? I'll do whatever you want if—"
"I don't want you to do anything for me." He cut him off, trying to recede as much as possible in the small space, accidentally kicking a can on the car floor. "And I don't want to do anything for you, either. I want you to fix things yourself for once."
"You were always able to help me."
"We wouldn't be here if that were the case. You wouldn't still be... like this."
"I'm trying."
"You've been 'trying' since I left 5 years ago," he said, unable to hide his frustration. "What did you think would happen? That once I came back everything would be suddenly fixed?
The redhead shrunk into his seat as if he was being scolded. "Did you expect more from me?"
"...No," he admitted after a pause. "Not anymore, honestly."
"I miss when you'd tell me I was wrong about myself."
If he was expecting a comforting answer, it didn't come. Instead, the boy glanced in the rearview mirror at the back seat.
The redhead realized immediately. "I can't even imagine what he thinks of me."
"Nothing new." He shook his head and turned his attention to the apartment complex they were parked next to, only the street lights remained on at this point of the night; the ones that hadn't been smashed. "I should go, Kevin asked me to babysit his daughter tomorrow morning."
"Why did you forgive him already but not me?"
"I didn't—" He rubbed his eyes, trying to keep his composure. "I'm just doing you both some favors."
"They seem pretty different to me." He threw the cigarette butt out the window, which extinguished when it hit the snowy street. "Speaking of, can I crash at your place tonight? My back is gonna kill me if I sleep in the car again."
The look he got from the boy should've been enough of a response, but he just shrugged.
"What? You have a good sofa in the living room, I don't see why you're being so selfish, I'm not gonna do anything weird." He then raised an eyebrow and gave a half smile. "Plus, I have great rapport with your parents, they won't question it." The boy didn't say anything and tried to open the car door, but it was locked. "Alright alright I'm sorry, since when can't you take a joke, Yanny. Are you this much of a wet blanket with your new boyfriend too?"
"That's none of your business." he answered, voice fraught, his knuckles white around the door handle.
"Come on." He rolled his eyes. "It's not that big of a deal, if you won't even tell me his name."
"Know what, Alan? Yeah, it is." He raised his voice, exasperated. "Cause he doesn't make me feel guilty for being happy. I love him and I want to get things right. Unlike whatever you think, it has nothing to do with you."
The redhead bit his lip to stop himself from doing any more damage, but couldn't help it. "I could just ask your parents." The boy froze. "Maybe they don't even know... You probably didn't even tell them why you left. Last time I dropped by to visit there was still a photo of the group on the living room wall," he said as if it was the first time he'd considered it.
"I'd rather you didn't go near my house again." He tried to hide the way he was shaking had nothing to do with the cold.
"I think you don't value them enough, you know what I'd give for my parents to be that nice to me?" He sighed. "My mom won't let me back home until she remembers I'm the only one who cleans. I'm just saying—" He stared puzzled as the boy lifted the lock by hand and opened the door. "Don't you want me to drive you back? It's really late."
"Mat eo, you can't drive like this again," he replied under his breath, determined. "Fellout a ra din kerzhout, I need some air." He got out and slammed the door before quickly walking away.
